


Perfected

by Revoraic



Series: Vent Writing [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Self-Harm, Suicide, and please be careful, please read beginning notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-30 21:22:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8549578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Revoraic/pseuds/Revoraic
Summary: He couldn't stop. He lied and lied and lied, until they just stopped caring. Only then, could he finally end it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS VERY TRIGGERING OKAY PLEASE _PLEASE_ TAKE EXTRA PRECAUTIONS READING THIS!!
> 
> Please take the tags very seriously! Things can be graphic, and personal, and I want you all safe!

“You’ve been eating, right?”

The question catches him off guard. His immediate response is to burst into tears, scream at his fellow group mate that no he wasn't, and that he needs help. That the only thing he feels anymore is the constant pain of his stomach begging him to feed himself, that he can't stand to see himself in the mirror because he knows he’ll just hate what he sees. But he doesn't. Instead, he puts on a mask of confusion and responds with a, “Yeah?”

Junmyeon just hums, not taking his eyes off of him for a couple more beats. It made Baekhyun's anxiety rise in his chest, only letting go of the breath he was holding when the leader averted his gaze.

“‘Kay. Just wondering.”

Baekhyun nodded and turned back to his phone, scrolling through his twitter feed, when Junmyeon spoke again.

“We just never see you eat anymore. We’re worried.”

‘We.’ That meant we, as in the entire group? Everyone had noticed something strange, something different? Baekhyun's grip on his phone tightened, heart pounding in his ears. He swallowed thickly, not looking up at Junmyeon.

“Oh.” was all he could say.

Everything honestly ached. The intense anxiety filling his chest and the burning need to cry for help were consuming him. He couldn't tell them. They couldn't know. He had worked so hard to keep it from everyone, he couldn't fuck up now.

\------------------

It started spiraling when fans began commenting on it. At first, it was harmless comments.

_“Has he lost weight?”_  
“Baekhyun seems smaller?”  
“Our Bacon is finally getting healthier!” 

Yes. He was finally on his way to being healthy. Finally on his way to being able to see himself in the mirror without having the urge to break it.

The comments that came later ruin everything.

_“Baekhyun didn't go out to eat with them?? :O”_  
“Is Hyunnie on a diet?”  
“@Suho, do a weigh-in day. I'm worried.” 

That last one.  
_“do a weigh in day.”_  
That ruined everything.

The entirety of EXO had gathered into their dance studio as ordered by their leader. At first, Baekhyun hadn't thought anything about it. It wasn't uncommon for Junmyeon to call all of EXO into the studio. Actually, it was quite normal. They were a fairly large group, meetings were almost daily.

The weird thing was that the managers were there too. Everyone around him seemed to know what was going on except him. With a quick look around, he knew this had to be serious due to everyone's solemn expression.

“Baekhyun.”

His heart stopped at the sound of his leader's voice. He quickly turned to face Junmyeon and forced a nervous smile on his face, “Hey, uh, what's...what's going on-”

Junmyeon held his hand up to silence him, nodding his head once without taking his eyes off of Baekhyun. One of the managers left the room, and the singer looked only to see the manager carrying in the object of his nightmares.

The scale.

“Suho, what-”

“Weigh-in day.” Junmyeon’s eyes and face looked devoid of emotion, but his voice ultimately betrayed him.

Baekhyun spared a glance around the room at the rest of them. It was obvious some were better actors than others. His gaze fell upon the cursed object that was placed in the middle of the room with a chest full of anxiety. _They couldn't know, they just couldn't_. That's what he kept telling himself as he stepped up to the scale with a confident bravado, one that easily fooled everyone who witnessed it. It was easy to pretend that the tense atmosphere didn’t exist. It was easy to pretend that the presence of the scale alone didn't make him feel like he was drowning. Pretending was so _easy_ , and everyone always fell for his lies.

“No problem.” 

He stepped on the scale, not looking down. He already knew the number anyways.

There was a beat of silence. Another. Then another. Then a sigh. “Okay, thank you, Baekhyun. You can leave now, thank you.” Baekhyun gave Junmyeon a smile before leaving the practice room, head held high. 

He kept that bravado, kept it until he was safe within the confines of his shared room. Only when he closed the door, heard the lock click, and his back met the door did he let the illusion shatter. Its pieces scattered all over the floor in front of him, shards piercing his skin and his blood taking the form of tears. He was drowning and no matter how hard he grabbed the heart of his shirt or how much he tried to breathe, he just couldn't. He was suffocating, and whether he was suffocating under the weight of his own lies or if this was some cruel punishment given to him for his pathetic existence, he wasn't sure. He didn’t want to know. 

He just wanted it to stop. He wanted it to stop _so fucking bad_.

He knew how to make it stop. 

_But not yet._

\---------------------------

He knew he was wearing thin. He knew what he was doing to himself, but he couldn’t make himself stop. He couldn't control it. That's what everyone thinks it’s about, right? Wanting control? He knows it isn't true, there's nothing you’re in control of when you're like this. _It_ controls you. You’re just the brain dead zombie that bends to its will. He knows he needs help, but he can't ask for it. 

_It_ won't let him. 

Junmyeon dropped the issue after he forced a weigh-in day on them all. They all knew something was going on, but they didn’t press it. They didn’t know how to press it. Baekhyun was okay with that. He wanted things back to normal and, for the most part, things were normal again.

There were fights, sometimes.

 _“Why do you have to be so fucking_ difficult _?” Jongdae was done with his avoiding. Baekhyun didn’t know what to say._

_“I don’t know what you mean.”_

_“Like hell you don’t! Just_ come out with us _, you need a break too, you know. You’re only human too.”_

_“I’m okay, really. Just go out to eat without me, I’ll be fine.”_

They were always his fault.

_”Can’t you tell that we just want to actually spend time with you?”_

_“Hyung, you do spend time with me-”_

_“_ Outside _of concerts, and interviews, and fan meets, and outside of our fucking job, Baekhyun! We miss our friend and, frankly, we’re getting pretty fucking sick of the idol that replaced him!”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

Why was he still here?

_”Aiii, what’s wrong with you? We’re all tired, we want to go home already. Get it right the first time, it isn’t that hard.”_

_“I’m sorry. I’ll do better.”_

_“Yeah, yeah. Sure.”_

They didn’t want him here.

_Baekhyun was becoming more and more distracted as the days went on. He wasn’t always all there anymore. It wasn’t his turn to do the dishes, but he was told to anyways. It was punishment for keeping them late at rehearsals._

_He dropped a cup, and it shattered._

_“Yah, what-” Junmyeon ran to the kitchen to investigate, only to frown at the sight of Baekhyun, “Oh. It was you. Clean that up, yeah?”_

_He only nodded. He didn’t deserve to speak._

He wasn’t needed here.

_The other members slowly began to keep their distance from the vocalist. He was hard to talk to, like they were just talking to a brick wall. So they didn’t bother most of the time._

_It was movie night, and Jongin didn’t bother asking him to pass him the remote that was next to him. He just got up and got it himself. No one talked to him. No one looked at him. He wasn’t there._

_He wasn’t needed._

He knew how to stop it.

_”Hey, has anyone heard from Baekhyun for a while?” Yixing asked as he looked up from his phone. He got a nagging sense of concern after taking a look at the time._

_“Who? Baekhyun? Uh, he left a bit ago. To take a walk, I think. He’s been doing that.” Kyungsoo said, twirling a headphone in his hand._

_“He should be back by now.”_

_“Hes fine.”_

He knew how to end it.

_”Baekhyun doesn’t look so good lately.”_

_“I don’t think he’s been eating…”_

_“Oh thank god, I was worried I was the only one who noticed that.”_

He was going to end it.

_Baekhyun stared at himself in the mirror of his bathroom, something he hadn’t done in what felt like decades. He knew what he looked like. Disgusting. Horrifying. The kind of thing that would terrify small children. He was a walking nightmare. He didn’t want to go on like this, because he knew it would never stop._

_He smiled._

_He would make himself look better the only way he knew would work._

_So he decided to treat himself. He drew himself a bath, a nice hot bath, and kept the lights off. The only source of light being three small candles he found in the kitchen earlier. His mind went to the scale he knew was under the sink. Might as well know the final number, right? It couldn’t hurt him anymore. He got the scale and stepped on. He knew he was underweight, but to_ it _, it wasn't enough. It was never enough._

_He just smiled._

_He got in the bath. Let the water soothe him and take over his senses. It was too hot and burned his skin, but it was what he deserved._

_He breathed in the steam. Looked at the object to his right. It would perfect him. He gingerly picked it up. It would fix everything. It would fix him._

_He started with his legs. If he started with his arms, he could possibly become too shaky to do his legs. He thought about this beforehand. He didn’t cut too deep, he wanted to perfect all of him before it was over. The pain was pleasant, and he welcomed it with open arms. He watched his own mutilation, memorizing how the blade sinks into his skin and the way the blood immediately rushes to the surface, dissolving in the water._

_He found he loved that shade of red the most._

_He moved to his abdomen next. The part of him that needed most perfecting. He could hear_ it _begin whispering to him all the things he already knew. He bled more for every word spoken to him. He silenced the voice once the water was a deep, deep red._

_He smiled._

_His arms. This was it. This would end it. First, he would perfect himself. Then, he would switch directions, and end it. He would be perfect after that. He would finally be done with it._

\---------------

It was eerily quiet in the EXO dorms. Only a few members, Junmyeon, Kyungsoo, Jongin and Minseok, were out in the living area. All were on their phones, browsing through various social media networks, until Junmyeon looked up from his device. “Something feels wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Minseok mumbled, not really paying attention. Junmyeon just sat up straighter, eyes flicking around the room nervously as his heart picked up pace for no logical reason. “I-I don’t, I’m not sure. But something isn’t right. Is everyone home? Is anyone still out?”

Kyungsoo set down his phone and furrowed his eyebrows in concentration. Jongdae and Minseok had gone out for groceries not too long ago, but they were both home. Jongin, Yixing, Sehun, and Chanyeol had never gone out, Baekhyun was still in the bathroom and he and Suho were obviously also home. “No, no, everyone’s home.”

That still didn’t ease Junmyeon’s anxieties. If anything, that made it worse. Something had to be wrong, right? Or else he wouldn’t be feeling like this. “I’m gonna go check on everyone.”

Jongin just rolled his eyes at the other’s unnecessary worrying. They were all adults, they could all take care of themselves. “Go on ahead.”  
Junmyeon got up, abandoning his phone, and checked each of the members’ rooms for everyone in some sort of roll call. “Chanyeol, where’s Baek?”

“Oh, uh, he said he was going to take a bath. I think he’s still in there.” the other looked up at him from his place on the bed with big, curious, puppy-like eyes. Junmyeon quickly thanked him before making his way to where the only occupied bathroom was, knocking on it gently at first. 

“Baek? You in there?” He waited, only to frown at the lack of response. He knocked harder, calling a little louder, “Baekhyun? Hyunnie? Hey, c'mon, open up.” 

Still nothing. His chest tightened and he couldn’t breathe. “H-hey,” he cleared his throat and called out, “hey, Chanyeol, come here for a second.” He waited for the other to arrive at his side, pacing nervously in front of the bathroom door. Junmyeon gave a quick explanation on what he wanted him to do, pick the lock, and he gave the leader a questioning look but didn’t really press on the issue. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s picked a lock while someone was in the shower. 

His heart skipped a beat when the click of the door being unlocked sounded, it practically ringing in his ears. For some reason, his mind was screaming at him to not open the door. Begging him not to, that he would regret it if he did. But that just motivated him more.

Chanyeol did it for him, pushing the door open and cursing at the amount of steam that left the small bathroom. It was like a sauna in there. Junmyeon pushed his way past the taller man, and through the steam, and the sight he was presented with was something he could have never have prepared himself for in all his years of life.

The scream that was ripped through his throat would no doubt haunt the other members’ nightmares. 

_What have they done_?


End file.
